Security

I always thought that most kids had a security item. You know something that they had to take everywhere with them or at least sleep with.

Me, I had a bunny. Not a stuffed animal, but more of a small blanket type thing with a bunny head on it. I still have it. It is now one big long ratty string attached to a bunny head. I took it everywhere as a kid. My brother had a blanky.

My kids, not so much...

Slade has never had anything that he insists on having and Madie... well I am pretty sure that I am her security item. I can not get her to go to sleep unless she is snuggled up tight against me with her arms tightly holding my arm.

Last night as I was lying in bed thinking about how weird it was to not have Ben there (last night was his first night gone) I started to think about the little almost 3 year old that was wrapped around my right arm. I thought about how I was her security item. Sure she will sleep without me there but she sleeps much better holding on to me. This made me start to think about how much my sweet husband has become my security item.

I used to be totally self sufficient. I never asked for help. Well who am I kidding... aside from Ben I still never ask anyone for help. Now I have found myself in a situation where I am going to have a baby any day and my Security is gone. I feel pretty lost without him. I have had tons of people beg me to let them help me and Ben also asked some people to check in on me and help me while he is gone even if I don't ask.

I am so grateful for him and all that he does for us and is willing to do for us. I know that leaving us was really hard, especially right now. But I also know that this is what he has felt is best for our family. I know that I have yet to come to this conclusion but I think that my own desire to have it easy and have him home every night is slightly over shadowing any feelings of rightness that might be trying to get through.

So now what? Perhaps I need to find security in myself again. Or maybe I need to just adjust the role my Security plays in my life.

I know that him leaving for work is not the worst thing in this world. I know that there are many people that have it far harder than I do. But for today, I miss my husband.

I love you Ben!