I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks and feel impressed that I have some things to work on. If you read this post I think that you probably realized that I have been feeling pretty desperate lately and pretty depressed. I know that I am not the only one that has these feelings. I also know that when I talk to someone else who is struggling with something that I am struggling with it strengthens me and helps me to not feel so alone and helps me to be able to move past it, I only hope that it does the same for them. I need to choose to help myself and that is what I am going to do.
You may have noticed a sudden increase in my blogging. To help me be a bit more accountable for my efforts I have decided that I will be a more faithful blogger. So this means that the maybe 4 of you that actually read this are going to be getting a more brutally honest me. If you don't like that I am sor... well not really sorry. This is something that I need to do to become a better me. I need an outlet to deal with some of the challenges that I have in my life and this is the one that I am choosing. With Ben gone so much I have a lot of days with very little to no adult interaction. Don't get me wrong, I adore my kids and want nothing more than to spend my time with them but being a stay at home mom is a hard job (I totally never thought that I would say that). I have found that blogging helps me to feel like I have at least had a grown up conversation at some point in the day, however one sided it might be. So in regards to blogging I will no longer...
1. Write a post only when I am in a sunshiny mood (which might explain my lack of consistent posts in the past).
2. Withhold a picture because I am not a great photographer, the background is messy, or because my kid has who knows what on their face and I don't want people to think that I am a slob.
3. Write a post and then never post it because I am concerned with what someone will think of me.
I have noticed that blogging has helped me to not be so down on life. I have so many blessings and taking time to point them out is good for me. I need to show more gratitude.
I have made a conscious effort to take more pictures. I don't want to look back someday and feel bad for not taking more pictures.
I also know that someday these beautiful children of mine will be parents themselves. Perhaps being able to look back at some of my successes/failures/insecurities/stresses/joys etc. will help them to be better parents - or maybe just get through an especially rough day.
I recently had the opportunity to talk with one of my favorite people in my ward. She happened to catch me on a particularly difficult day. As we talked I got increasingly more emotional. She shared with me how she had been reading through her journal from the time in her life that is similar to mine now. The feelings that she had at that time were almost identical to those that I am having right now. It made me feel so much better that I am not alone, I am not crazy for the way that I feel and that I will get through this.
So that being said here is what I ask of you...
1. If you are going to call CPS on me just give me a heads up. That way I can at least have some cookies made for the agents that come to take my kids away.
2. If you feel impressed to comment - please do. What you have to say may help me or someone else that is reading it. Plus it helps me to feel not so forgotten.
Thanks for being out there for me and caring enough about our little family to keep up with us.
7 comments:
:) Okay, so I know that I didn't even really know you that well when we worked together, but I honestly love reading your blog because what you write is REAL. Like you, I feel more strengthened knowing I am not alone when I am feeling like a total failure. I wanted to tell you earlier, Thank you for being REAL. Everyone has rough days/weeks/moments- whatever, but few choose to really write about it. I cried during your other post as well. I feel like that at times too. Oh, and I love hearing all the funny things your kids do as well. They seriously are the spunkiest! :)Ok-and I know this is long enough- but I also admire you for writing about the times your husband is gone. I don't know how you do it. My husband is gone overnight and I feel alone. It's crazy how much more secure I feel with him.
Amen sista!! Why do you think I blog every freaking day (or every other day)? It validates my existence on this planet and gives me an outlet for my thougts and feelings when there's not another adult around (ahem Jared) to listen to me or to care. I'm all about honesty, and I'm sure people think I'm a bad mom or that I have word vomit because I just say what I'm thinking, but my own blog motto is "if you don't like it, then don't read it" and I don't worry about what people will think of me, because truthfully you know that all other moms out there are feeling the same way that we feel sometimes but they're just not brave enough or honest enough with themselves to say it out loud. Well too bad for them because there actually is a comfort in knowing other people have gone through/are going through what we're going through.
I promise that's the end of my novel but I love it that you blog so much more often now and I LOVE you and I won't call CPS if you won't call CPS on me!
I love reading your blog. I love your stories good and bad. Its so real and relate-able. I just want you to I am one of your loyal 4 readers who looks forward to your next post!
My heart goes out to you.... Every mom hopes for life to be easier for there children, but the truth of it is that the best things in life come hard. The best thing you could do is share it and always know you are not alone... I love you... Mom
This makes me happy, I love when other people blog. Sometimes I feel like Beth and I are the only ones left!! So, now we can harass each other on our blogs and in real life!!
I agree with all of this... your an amazing mom and wife and friend, don't ever forget it.
I won't let you forget it!
Kari, Kari, Kari.. Oh how I miss you. I havent checked my blog in a long time and was really excited when I saw your posts. Your post made me feel like I should probably start blogging so that I can remember things and let things out instead of holding them in as you can remember I do that about 99.5% of the time! You are one of the strongest women I know. You are wonderful person. Keep your head up and think positive!!
We need to get together for a play date. I would enjoyed an adult converstation and I think my children would love to meet some friends! Email me so I have your nnumber packwhit@isu.edu.
Love yah,
White
Kari - I have a confession. I miss you so much. When I read your posts about almost anything... going to see dinosaurs, going shopping, going to lunch with your bestie - my gosh, it makes me ache for perkins! ;) It makes me want to live closer to you so our kids could play together. It makes me want to dress up like random super heros and eat cake. It REALLY makes me want to sit and have a nice long chat with you about how I feel like a failure as a mom and how we are always so hard on ourselves and how we are always so careful to be gentle with other people but are so mean to US... Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are not forgotten. I think about you all the time and wish we could hang out. :( ALSO. You are right for sharing like this - everyone needs an outlet. I think about that all the time when I post on my blog... "all I do is show them these things I've made..." when some days I just want to scream, tear my hair out and admit to them all that I am a massive bundle of depression and anxious nerves. ANYWAY. I guess I'm saying that you've gotta be you, that I miss you and that I support your decision! HUGS!
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